Am I Funding This?

This morning’s news blurbs included a story from Associate Press about a scientist at Washington University named Jack Landenson who was leading a team of scientists in the development of a “dipstick that would measure levels of caffeine on the spot.” Apparently Mr. Landenson has trouble with caffeine and no longer trusts his local baristas to properly mix his favorite beverage. Having worked a coffee bar, I can tell you I know this man. He’s the one that asks about ten times, “Are you sure you gave me decaf?” The first time any barista deals with him, they simply politely assure him that it is indeed decaf. But later the barista will try to preempt his questioning by handing him his drink along with a rundown of what’s in it. “Here’s your decaf-no whip-soy latte (because you can bet he’s also lactose intolerant),” they say with a weak smile as they hand him his drink. And still, he will ask. Well, I can understand why Jack doesn’t trust his baristas, because it’s about now that they will start to slip him some caffeine. After months and months of being questioned, distrusted and second-guessed, one goes a little crazy. Sure, I’ve done it. We’ve all done it.

So now Mr. Landenson wants to be sure. Once finished, his little pregnancy like caffeine test will show the horrid truth. The cute little coffee gal that he’s been badgering for months really hates him. Yep, she’s slipped him a bit of the dark stuff and it’s good stuff. When his little litmus test turns blue he can stand there in the middle of Starbucks and yell “J'accuse!” Then what? He calls the police and has her taken away in handcuffs? Doesn’t he know that once they are on to his little testing device they will simply start to slip in things not covered by his experiments? Better have a booger test buddy because that’s what’s coming next.